Mini Game Review: Progress Quest – Playing games is so 2012



I’m sorry fokes, this isn’t a review of Skullgirls, I wanted to do one but I promised True Backlash I wouldn’t play it without him and he’s got business out of town so that review will be a little late. Instead I’m going to review a rather interesting title called Progress Quest for the PC and Window 7 Phone. This is quite possibly the easiest game you’ll ever play and I’m really stretching the whole ‘playing’ thing.





So, yeah, all you ‘out the beaten path’ PC players should already know about Progress Quest as it’s at least ten years old, consonantly I’m reviewing the Window 7 Phone version. As such I didn’t get much in the way of story. On the PC end I found this:



Since time before time the Vorlak had held the Crosshutch at Thraeskamp. The ancient reckoning held that the Five Skrelkampi (and their Truebine) would return when the great Trond-feast could be held anew and the Belnap reunited. But this legend became lost to all but the Papperboxen at Horbug. One of their own was Yallow the Speldrig, who found an unlikely pupil in Torbole Understeady, the discarded illigitimate waif of Wainthane Topknox, whom Yallow renamed Grumdrig and began to school as a boar-pulmet’s apprentice. …And, as it was said by some, in aberdoxy.



And it goes on like this, so yeah there’s no story. See Progress Quest is, um, how can a say this? A parody non-game sounds right, you create a character by choosing a race and class (I’m a Gyrognome Robot Monk), rolls some stats and send it on its way – that’s it. From there the game plays itself, not that you can tell because all the ‘players’ can see is the character’s ‘progress’ through stats bars. Sure your character does the average RPG stuff (slay monsters, sell crap from slain monsters, and of course complete quest) but those are done without you and they are incredibly ridiculous. At the time of this entry my Gyrognome Robot Monk is completely a quest of placating Bacon Elementals and executing a malnourished titan. Why and for what reason? Not sure. Do we ever see these bizarre, but somewhat awesome adventures? Nope, but at least it’s all recorded on your phone/PC.






Progress Quest is a special kind of game for the lazy or the obsessive compulsive, seriously a game that you can’t play or enjoy serves no purpose. This game is more like a weird paradox than a parody of RPGs; and removed from it – any enjoyment what so ever. Then again I can’t say it didn’t anything wrong either, that would imply it did something other than show loading bars. And what can I exactly ‘rate’ about that? Yep, nada. So yeah, Progress Quest – it’s the anti-game.






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