Really real Game Review: BioShock Infinite

BioShock-Infinite-USD

 

Well people it’s finally here, BioShock Infinite, after years of teasing, interviews, and award after award – the gamer at large was able to get their hands on it. It sucks. I’m sorry all, it does, and it sucks that it sucks. It is the possible the worst game to be played by man and sold in store. The only reason I haven’t taken this game back the first day I’ve played it is because of my journalistic principles to write down this review telling you all how much it sucks. Well… Let’s get this over with.

 

Not game footage, but you should be thankful I’m sparing it from you all with random youtube poop. You’re welcome.

Players play as Booker DeWitt a sexist, crude, unlikeable character who has done nothing to help humanity. All he does is drink, smoke and chase skirts. Unfortunately that sort life does catch up with you, now he owes people from coast to coast in one form or another. Apparently his debt is so huge that the only way to pay it off is to infiltrate a flying steampunk city and kidnap and magic girl from religious american zealous. Who’d you gamble with Booker, the devil?

 

The flying city of Columbia is a deathtrap, there is absolutely no room to move and every wrong step is a plummet to the sodden below. Of course that’s preferable way to  die compared to abysmal combat in the game. For some sort of tough guy, Booker can’t take a punch for nothing, always needing lizzy to pick his weak butt up. Speaking of which, Elizzabeth is the worst CPU character since tinkle; stupid, useless and good for nothing – it is the escort mission that won’t end.

 

 

Rating

 

EpicFail-sign

This blows, this sucks, it is not only the wrong game the series, and of the year, but the worst game period. It needs to burn in the fiery pits of obscurity – forever.

Ug, ug Ybnem Vuumc Tyo! Drec ech’d so  naym PeuCrulg najeaf pid dryd femm pa yjyemypma eh dra vaf tyoc. Eh dra sayh desa tuh’d pinh tufh so ruica, dryhgc.

 

 

 

Games & Gear of 2013 – BioShock Infinite (3/26/2013)

BioShock Infinite

 

BioShock Infinite… Whoa, wait, wait! It’s not out yet, come back, come back. I know you all are excited, I am too. It’s a brand new day with Infinite as everything is brand spanking new: new characters, a new setting (and this one flies), new powers, and new enemies. Don’t let the newness fool you however some things still over true when it comes to BioShock. Like trying to survive a hostile environment where 98% of the populous wants to kill you while the other 2% merely wants to maim you. Also, in BioShock fashion, I bet you can make choices that could affect the city of Columbia in unexpected and/or disastrous ways. Oooh! You can be freak sure that some of the new enemies are giant, colossal, mechanical monstrosities that will test your abilities to the limit every, single time. You know what? Wait for me guys, I’m coming too.